Head Full of Grief
by Betty's a little crazy22
Summary: In this time of grief over your mother's passing, your boyfriend, Philip Hamilton, tries to comfort you, but is it enough for this grieving girl?


**Ok, so I kinda got bored of Watching Themselves. I'll finish it, don't get me wrong. But, you can only write out lyrics for so many hours listening to random musical songs for so long. So yee. I decided to take a break, (he he) and write a one shot. Philip x reader. I've read so many of these! They're all so adorable! I'll try one. I'll probably do more _ x readers here and there. This is a modern AU. Also, I haven't started ch 7(of watching themselves), and I need something to post.**

**I don't own Hamilton.**

* * *

Your eyes are red and puffy. You've been crying for a good three hours. Lying in your room. There was a knock on your bedroom door.

"Y/N, can I come in please?" It was your father, you've sent him away several times.

You decide not to respond. Your dad opens the door anyway. He's carrying a black dress.

"Honey, I know you don't want to go out, but the funeral is in an hour. Your aunt got you a dress." Your dad laid the dress down and left the room. Just as the door closed your phone rang. Looking at the phone screen, you saw that it was your boyfriend, Philip Hamilton. You mute it, not really feeling like talking. You let the phone do its thing. When it gave up trying to get you to pick up, you see your lock screen. The picture was of you kissing Philip's cheek behind the branches of a weeping willow. On it are about 19 missed calls from Philip, and at least 35 texts. The number still growing.

You changed out of your tear stained clothes and into the black dress. The dress had a solid black fabric, covered by a layer of black lace, the lace had floral patterns. Not wanting to see your mother lie lifeless in a coffin. You move slowly. Eventually, you leave to do your hair and brush your teeth in the bathroom. When you finish your dad comes up the stairs, happy to see that you're up and moving.

"Y/N are you ready?"

You nod, still not wanting to talk, but you follow him downstairs. He points to a table across the room. "There are two of your mother's favorite necklaces. Go and pick one out to lay her down to sleep with."

Once at the table, you see a silver necklace, with her name inscripted, and another with your dad's birthstone surrounding yours. You pick up the birthstone one and hand it to your father.

Once you get to the funeral home, you follow your father around as he greets people, only saying 'hi' or accepting a 'sorry for your loss' here and there. Someone walks up behind you and taps your shoulder.

"Y/N?" It was Philip.

"Philip!" You embrace him, but not like you usually would.

"I thought I did something wrong! You weren't responding!" He places a hand on the back of your head, happy to hold you.

"I know, I'm sorry baby, I just…" You trail off.

"You what?" Philip prompted, stepping back, holding your elbows.

"Mom…" you say fighting back tears.

"I heard, Father said he was coming, and I asked if I could come, I knew how you'd feel, even if I couldn't imagine it." Philip pulled you back into a hug, and rubbed your back as you let your head fall onto his neck. After about five minutes of Philip comforting you and ignoring people's stares, your father walked up behind you.

"Y/N, Philip, the ceremony is beginning now." You step back and nod. You and Philip walk behind your father to the room. Philip presses you against him, wrapping an arm around your waist.

When you walk into the room you sit in the back in an empty row of seats with Philip, despite your father trying to get you to sit up front. Philip pulls you so close that you're practically sitting on him. With your head resting on his shoulder, and his arm still around your waist, you find it impossible to feel alone, but, with your mother gone, the world seems so different, in a way that makes you feel alone.

Your father steps up and begins to talk about your mother's life. When he gets to the point where he talks about the two of them becoming three with you joining the family. You broke down crying. It is hard not to sound loud in the almost silent room.

"Baby, I got you, you'll be ok. I promise things will get better." Philip rubbed your back as you cried into his chest. He keeps telling you he loves you and that it will all get better. Philip pulls out a pack of tissues from his pocket and hands them to you. You stuff the snotty tissues into your purse for the time being, and squirt a little hand sanitizer on your hand. Philip holds you tight as he feels your breathing steady, you take deep breaths and hug him back. Philip wipes the occasional lingering tear from your face with his thumb.

Eventually your father is done, the ceremony continues, when it's time for the viewing…

"Would Y/N Burr, please come up?" Your father's familiar voice says,

You freeze, you know your face is blotchy and your eyes red and puffy. Philip gives you a pat of encouragement and releases you from his loving grasp. Slowly you stand and walk up to your mother's casket. "Y/N, would you like to put the necklace on your mother?" Aaron, your father, asks. You take the necklace and walk up to the casket.

Tears dripping down your face, you unlatch the shimmering silver chain, and reach behind her neck. You feel the hair you inherited, you cry more, your vision becomes blurry and you struggle snapping the chain together again. Finally getting it, you gently center the birthstone pendant on her chest. Kissing your fingers and touching her cheek, the way she had to you, you look at your mother one last time before running back to Philip.

Your sobbing has made it hard for you to breathe. Philip cradles you and kisses your forehead muttering reassuring words under his breath. Finally the ceremony is over, and it's time to go to the burial site. Your father allows Philip to ride in the car with you. You and your boyfriend sit in the back, your father tries to make conversation, but you refuse to talk. Philip holds your hand, and you lean your head on his shoulder, but you look out the window, watching the cars that wait as you and the rest of your mother's friends and family make their way to the cemetery. When you get there and out of the car, your father goes to the car carrying the casket, leaving you and Philip.

"Babe, did I tell you how good you look in that dress?" Philip asks, obviously trying to get a smile on your face, which works.

"I don't believe you did," you say blushing.

"Go on, turn around for me," Philip says taking your hand and spinning you around. You can't help but giggle.

"Philip?" The sound of a woman's voice comes from behind the car, Philip stops spinning you.

"Mom?" The woman appears into sight. Sure enough, it's Eliza, Philip's mom.

"Oh, hello Y/N, I'm so sorry for your loss, I always was fond of your mother. Theodosia was a kind and simple woman." Eliza then turns to Philip who is still holding your hand. "Philip your father wishes to see you,"

Philip nodded and kissed your cheek before heading towards the direction his mother pointed.

Eliza walks up to you and places a hand on the back of your waist. "Tell me darling, how are things between you and my son?"

"Oh, things are fine Mrs. Hamilton, he's been there for me a lot today, which has helped more than you could imagine."

"I'm sure. I've always thought you two were a cute couple. Alex, he never thought that it would go this far, I mean three years? And you're only nineteen!" Eliza and I began walking to the tent that was set up in the graveyard.

The priest had come and said his things as you and Philip watched from the empty back row once again. Philip held you throughout the next hour. People took turns talking about Theodosia.

"Are you going to be ok if I go up there for a few minutes?" Philip whispers.

"Of course, take your time," You tell him. He waits for your Aunt, the one who bought you the dress, to finish. When she does, Philip kisses your forehead and walks up to the podium.

"When I met Y/N, we were sixteen, I knew the first moment I saw her, that she'd be mine. And when we started dating, Theodosia took me in as her own. She offered my family and I more than anyone could imagine, I was so thankful for everything she gave and offered, she was a woman of many talents. She was too good and pure for this world, it was unfortunate that we lost her this soon. I could never understand how much Y/N and her father, Aaron, miss her. Although, I can give back an equivalent, if not more, than Theodosia gave to us, by being there for Y/N and her father." The guests awed and Philip blushed. "Even if it takes the rest of my life. Thank you,"

The guests clapped, they actually clapped. They didn't normally clap when someone finished a speech at times like these. You stand and run toward Philip as he made his way back to his seat. You jump up into his arms. He lifts you up off the ground and holds you tight. The guests aw again and you giggle as Philip lets you back to your feet. You look into his eyes, he stares back. Before you can blink, his lips are touching yours. You grab the sides of his shirt to steady yourself, while the world fades away.

* * *

It's been almost six months since your mother's funeral. Philip texted you a week ago asking you to go to dinner with him for your birthday. You happily accepted. He said to dress up nicely, so you put on a purple dress that ended just above your knee. Your hair curled, laid on your shoulders. Your beauty enhanced with a little make up, had Philip speechless when you walked out of the door.

While you were eating dessert with your father and all of Philip's siblings and his parents, he got down on one knee.

"Y/N, you have been a blessing to me and my family ever since you walked into my life. So baby, what do you say? Will you marry me?" He opened a ring box which held a beautiful diamond ring, and in the center? Your mother's birthstone, topaz.

You gasped and blinked, the entire restaurant went quiet, waiting for you to answer. "Y-yes. Yes! Yes Philip! A thousand times yes!" You jumped into his arms, making Philip fall backward. You giggle and kiss him. The restaurant clapped. You stood up and helped Philip up. "Sorry,"

"You're fine babe," Philip took the ring out of the box and slid it on your finger.

That night, Philip spent the night at your house. You sat on your bed and talked for several hours. You stared into his deep brown eyes, the ones he got from his mother. He ran his fingers through your brunette hair.

"You look just like your mother." Philip said, pulling you closer, if it were possible.

The rest of the night was a blur, but when you woke up the next day, you were cuddled up against Philip, your head fit in perfect place on his bare chest. You accidentally woke him with your movement, he just smiled and kissed your neck.

* * *

"Y/N?" Your father poked his head into your room one warm summer evening, some three months after the proposal.

"Dad! Philip and I finally made plans to move out! I meant to tell you sooner, but you weren't home." You jump up and meet him at the door.

"Y/N, there's something you should know," Your father had a look of fear, but you don't care, you have other exciting news. "Y/N, I was at the Hamilton's, Eliza informed me, that, Philip,"

"Philip what?" You ask a million thoughts filled your mind. _Did he call off the engagement? No, he knows how much he means to me. Is he sick? On his deathbed?! _"PHILIP WHAT?" you asked needing an answer now.

"He was in a… a duel, he challenged George Eacker to a duel." Your father cleared his throat. "And he uh,"

"No," You blink, refusing to believe this. _He's not dead, he couldn't! He doesn't know he's to be a father! NO! _"No, no no no No NO!" You shake your head, your father pulls you into a hug.

"I'm so so sorry darling. I'm afraid so,"

"Dad, he doesn't know of the child! He'll never know!" You cry harder, clenching your dad's shirt in your fist. "Dad! This can't be true! It can't!"

"I'm sorry Y/N, I'm sorry. Wait, your pregnant?!" You nod crying ever so hard into his chest, he wraps his arms around you and wish this were a dream.

* * *

"Philip! Philip!" You were running through an open field, nothing to be seen all around. "PHILIP!" you scream. Running ahead you find Philip lying on his back in a small clearing in the tall grass, the grass bloodstained. "PHILIP!" You scream again, he doesn't seem to see or hear you.

You jerk awake, in a cold sweat. You look around. Your husband Joseph at your side, arm draped over your bare waist. You carefully scramble out of bed and put on a robe and raced down the hall to your child's room, you see your five year old son, Aaron, named after your father, sleeping peacefully. You sit in his room for a while and watch him breath deeply and slowly, until you too, fall asleep.


End file.
